


I already adore you too; (don't act like this can't get you through)

by orphan_account



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M, hahahahaha, how do you write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 11:26:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1106257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is so horrible, but I dedicate this to the laughingpsalmist as a really late and bad Christmas present. A fic written more like prose. Long rambling inconstant prose. Characters aren't mine. No credit. Title from Another Day by Carousel</p>
            </blockquote>





	I already adore you too; (don't act like this can't get you through)

When Chuck was in training to be a Jaeger pilot he had but one idol. Inspired by the pictures he saw on tv and the stories he'd heard he aspired to be just like one person. When he was sitting in a corner of the training center, after being teased by the other initiates, he saw him. Raleigh approached him and asked what was wrong. Then he said, " hey, we're friends. Right." Those words were to inspire Chuck, and break him for the rest of his career as a Jaeger Pilot.

After Raleigh's tragedy, and Chucks ascent into adulthood and the revelations implied, his all-encompassing hero worship turned into festering resentment for Raleigh and what he stood for in Chucks life. His relationship with his dad suffered. His issue with authority figure escalated. In a world lacking morals and regularity, Chuck had very little stability in his life, that being one of the only things he could count on. He became afraid to rely on anyone but himself, increasingly nervous about sharing thoughts and memories with his dad. It was the only time he could see his mother. He hated the feelings that invoked; the guilt of surviving when she died, the regret at the growing gap between him and his dad. 

In the Jaeger, Chuck could be at peace. In the Jaeger, Chuck could understand his dad, if uncomfortable afterwards. Chuck came to live for the moments when he could be in a Jaeger. He lived for the danger, for the moment he could feel alive, feel like he was doing something. Something to help. His whole life was consumed by the desire to help, to heal, to save, to fight, to kill. It was the only thing in his life. Mindless, one night stands filled an aching hole in his life. But only one face swam in his head. The only person that mattered. 

When the Jaeger program shut down Chuck was all alone. He couldn't help anyone, had to bottle his hurt up inside. He couldn't let it out, screamed at home sometimes. He was useless. His feelings of despair was focused on one person, the person whose failure lead to the shut down of the Jaeger program, of his last hope. But he couldn't blame he was only human. Human, like the rest of us. Like me.

They told me Raleigh was coming. I didn't know how to feel about that. Excited, sad, confused. All of them. When he saw me, I managed to annoy him. I always do. I don't mean to, but I do. Something about him makes me want to punch him. Or kiss him. Or maybe just punch him. I realise than that we're going back in. We're going to put an end to this war. We have to. The pressures back on my shoulders; it never really left. But this time if we fail there will never be another chance like this. I wonder if Raleigh feels the way I do. I see something in his eyes. His eyes are so expressive, like someone once said. The eyes are a gateway to a mans soul. 

I'm guessing it's time. Me and my dad head back in our Jaeger, our baby. "A Miracle Mile, where does it lead to." That old song reverberates in my head. "I was supposed to do great things, I knew the road was long. So hold me again don't count mistakes, I lost track of them. " When our Jaeger collapses, I know. Something big must happen. Shooting an alien with a flare gun could be big. I guess. As we swim to shore, watching the other Jaeger fight I come to terms with what I have to do.

The sacrifice I need to make.

 

Raleigh walks down the corridor. I see him and try and talk to him. I reach out and touch his arm, but I can't say the words I want to. The words I need to. To express his impact in my life. To try and tell him, to explain. I see it in his eyes. He understands me like no one else can. He just, he fucking knows.   
Me and the boss head out on our suicide mission. After all, who else ever could make this final jump. On the bottom of the sea bed, buried beneath the crushing pressure of the waves, guarding Raleigh. I know he likes Mako, he'll he deserves to be happy. If I can ensure he gets his happy ending that's fine by me. 

As I stand beneath the waves, I imagine the rippling surface. Light dancing over the shimmering surface. Waving, undulating, a living entity in its own right. I realise, with all the time I spend in the ocean, I've forgot to appreciate it. That's the same with a lot of things in my life I realise. As my finger presses the record button in the Jaeger cockpit, I start to talk. I talk, talk, talk for ages. I confess all my thoughts, feelings. Ignoring Pentecost, I confess. The way my heart flutters when he smiles, how frustrated I get at our situation. I set the message to send to Raleigh's helmet feed after we make our suicide jump. When I find out it is Raleigh who must jump, disbelief clouds my brain. No not him. Take me instead. But I can't, because I'm not good enough.

I float on the surface of the waves, numb. Pentecost ejected me from the cockpit, leaving him to die. All I can do is pray, pray for the portal gateway to be shut, pray for any survivors. I'm useless right now. Just as I always feared. All I can do is wait. What may be an hour alter, but seems like an eternity too long an escape pod surfaces. I swim over to it, hoping RALEIGH is inside. He isn't. I help Mako out and wait. Again with the waiting. When the other pod surfaces. I nearly cry. It's Raleigh's pod. He's alive. I help him up and he tells me he's seen the video. I hold onto his hand until the helicopter comes to take us to the hospital for recovery.

\----------

After the war, I moved on. Accepted the sacrifices I made in my life. I moved on with someone who loved me and who I loved. Someone to hold when times got rough, to comfort me. That's all I ever really wanted. We have a house, a symbol of comfort and continuity. We're happy, but there are moments when I feel bad for that.

I wake up on Christmas Day. It's cold outside, but it's warm in here. Underneath the blankets it's soft and all encompassing. It feels like a cocoon. A cocoon of love. I feel a hand shaking my shoulders. It's Raleigh. "Wake up, it's Christmas". "You're such a kid", I moan. It's too early. What am I saying. It's not too early for presents. Me and Raleigh might have had to grow up and shoulder the responsibilities most adults will never experience, but we still act like kids. We race downstairs, tripping over each other in our haste, we laugh and giggle at the new exoeriences shared together. We pick up a present, long and floppy. We unwrap it and it's a sweater. Typical Raleigh, with his ugly sweaters. But I love him. 

So yeah. I didn't go out in a bang. I lived a long life, and I eventually found peace. I didn't die young, I grew old with the man I loved. I've been happy, content. In this small world, with mountains beyond mountains, I finally got away from the urban sprawl and found some form of serenity in the naturalistic quiet that surrounds us. I defended my planet against creepy shark creatures, irreparably changing my life, but not necessarily for the worst. I am Chuck Hansen, and I survived the impossible, and I'm happy.


End file.
